Monthly Archives: November 2015

Why I couldn’t love my post-pregnancy body

Weigh scales

After losing Ewan, I really struggled with the post-pregnancy weight. I’ll share something that could have been hilarious, if it wasn’t so tragic. Only 2 or 3 days after giving birth, I went to the wardrobe and pulled out some of my pre-pregnancy trousers and tried to put them on. Needless to say I failed…. miserably. Looking back it kind of makes me smile, that I thought all the weight would disappear once my baby had been born. I clearly blocked out the doughnuts, pizzas and general crap that I had eaten (unnecessarily!) over the past 6 months.

Those first few weeks were really tough. I was carrying around all this extra weight with a huge flabby belly. All I could think was that if I had a baby in my arms, I wouldn’t give two hoots! There would be a reason for my chubbiness. And quite frankly I know I wouldn’t care. I used to get quite angry. It wasn’t fair. I had lost my baby and to top it all off, I thought I looked a complete mess!

Adam and I didn’t eat awfully well initially. It was much easier to order Chinese, pizza or grab rubbish from the freezer that didn’t require any thought or effort. Ok that isn’t strictly true. We did have some lovely hearty food from kind family, friends and neighbours. But on the other days we ate crap! And we also drank a lot of wine! As is the case with alcohol, it dulls the senses. It wasn’t really ideal. But for a short chunk of time, it did help. Although it didn’t help with the weight.

Less than five weeks after Ewan was born, my brother got married. Before Christmas, anticipating that I would be 37 weeks pregnant by that point, I ordered a beautiful maternity outfit from JoJo Maman Bebe. I was so excited to wear it. But instead I ended up having to drag myself out in public to go shopping. My mum took me to a local department store. I half-heartedly picked a few things out and we went into the changing rooms. None of them fit properly and I just looked awful. I remember bursting into tears and mum giving me a huge hug. I just wasn’t in the mood.

A few days later, Adam and I went to the Trafford Centre. I can’t remember if it was a conscious decision to go late at night. I think I was still avoiding crowds as much as possible. We wandered around and finally after much looking, I finally found something I was comfortable with. It was actually quite a cheap dress from H&M, but it was the only thing that made me feel anything other than fat.

Wedding 2 Wedding 1

On the days itself, I actually felt quite good. I bought a few nice accessories to jazz it all up. But when I look back at the photographs, the first thought I have is how big I look. Which annoys me! Because I actually loved the outfit, loved the accessories, loved my hair. It was a wonderful day, but also a tough day. I still couldn’t forget that I should have been pregnant. I saw some family and friends for the first time, which was emotional for us all. There was a pregnant guest (who I didn’t know). Watching her (or trying not to) was really hard. One of the most beautiful parts of the day, other than the ceremony, was during my brother’s speech. He talked about the people who couldn’t be at the wedding, Ewan being one of them. I was so incredibly touched.

You might think my moaning about my post-pregnancy weight is pretty irrelevant and a bit shallow. Why the hell was I worrying about how I looked given everything that had happened? It’s hard to describe. My best effort is this – I was in a tough place. To say I was low is a bit of an understatement. And under normal circumstances, how I look wouldn’t bother me too much especially if everything else was going well. But because of my mental state, being overweight as well felt like a bridge too far.

I did manage to lose some weight eventually, although within a few months I got pregnant with Dylan. How I lost my other pregnancy weights? That was a different journey and a different story, for another day.

Enchanting Stars

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I discovered after starting my own blog, that there are thousands of blogs out in cyber space. Probably tens to hundreds of thousands. Far too many to read and keep up with. There are however, a small number of blogs that I do subscribe to. These are the ones that, in particular, I love to read. Either the content or style of writing, or both.

There is one I really want to share with you – ‘Same Person, Different Me’. You may already be aware of the author/blogger, Joanne Thompson. She is the co-founder (along with her husband Dan) of the charity Millie’s Trust. Joanne and Dan set up the charity after the tragic death of their baby daughter Millie in a choking incident in 2012. The charity offers first aid training at extremely low costs (and in some cases free) as they believe everyone should have access to gaining life-saving skills, regardless of circumstances. In addition they are petitioning for all staff in nurseries to be Paediatric First Aid trained.

Our children are similar ages. Dylan and Millie were both born in January 2012. Jude and their second baby, Leo were both born in February 2015. I wonder if that is one of the many reasons why I am drawn to reading Joanne’s blog. We have also both experienced losing a child, although admittedly in very different circumstances.

It is clear that the family went through an incredibly heart-breaking and devastating experience. And still are. And whilst some people would be completely broken (not to say that they weren’t), they channelled their energies to create something positive and worthwhile. A lasting memory of their baby girl, Millie’s charity. They are the epitome of an inspirational couple.

Same Person, Different Me is a very emotional blog. Joanne writes very candidly about her memories of Millie, how she deals with different anniversaries and the mental health illnesses she was diagnosed with after Millie’s death. She also writes about Millie’s brother, their Rainbow Leo and the absolute joy he gives them. She writes about how she got through her pregnancy and how she is currently dealing with the issue of weaning. Most parents out there would see weaning as an exciting time. But understandably given the way Millie died, it has been much more difficult for Joanne. I feel as though she is so incredibly brave to share her thoughts and feelings. If you are going to read any other blog, then please head on over to take a look.

Finally (and this is what has prompted me to share my love for the blog), Joanne and Dan have entered a competition by Thomson to name a plane! They could very easily have chosen a name representing Millie or Leo. But instead they have entered ‘Enchanting Stars’ to represent all our lost loved ones, flying high through the clouds. This is her full post with its beautiful explanation. So click on the link below to vote for Enchanting Stars. If you don’t have a lost loved one, then use your vote for our angel Ewan.

http://www.nameourplane.com/name/enchanting-stars